I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?


I fall in love too easily.


It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily


Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.



“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel


*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*


When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.


My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….


ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*


My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING


[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass