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@TheAlexNevil

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

@PeachyPixel8

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

@Gupton68

*walks into the coffin shop*

I’ll take this one please. Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it.

@Sickayduh

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn

@dadmann_walking

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine