I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
#FunnyLife Insects
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me