@CharlieDontSrf

I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman

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@nachosarah

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@ValeeGrrl

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

@UnFitz

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@Ellierocks2013

are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?

@alldrolledup

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@OwensDamien

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

@Sickayduh

DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.