Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
i dont have time for this
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑