@CharlieDontSrf

I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman

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@david8hughes

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?

@catstronomical

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

@theshamingofjay

Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?

@JennyPentland

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

@TuffyNyC

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

@DamonHunzeker

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*