I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman

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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak


1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos


5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.


Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?


[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????


???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????


are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?


One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week


If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more


The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.


DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.