I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman

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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought


Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%


Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?


Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby


Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.


Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?


I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”


My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.


*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*