Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Ion see the issue
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?