Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
groan^2
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit