i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
You Might Also Like
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed