@TheDairylandDon

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

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@ArfMeasures

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

@BoomBoomBetty

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

@murrman5

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea

@kaytaa

Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@sonictyrant

Me: i’m certain my dead wife’s ghost inhabits other people just to insult me

Therapist: well that is classic paranoid behaviour and frankly moronic

Me: Sheila?