Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: i’m certain my dead wife’s ghost inhabits other people just to insult me
Therapist: well that is classic paranoid behaviour and frankly moronic