I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Thank you corporation very cool
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.