I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)