I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
incredible text to wake up to
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume