You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.