I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many


I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.


i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon


A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.


[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees


One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 ūüôĀ


Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*


Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!


I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”