@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

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@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@pattymo

“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046

@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@spaceboyriley

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@tjalamont

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

@girlontapas

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.