@juliussharpe

I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?

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@TomSchally

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

@durnkposts

“I’m not drunk” *stands up* “Shit, I’m drunk”

@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

@LennoxTruman

“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.”
*opens wide*
“Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

@MarfSalvador

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

@FrazzleMyGimp

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]