My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
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They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot