I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.

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3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!


Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?


ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.


Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.


Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in


the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight


*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?


I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space