How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Birds & Planes.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
i baked you a cake
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
The funk soul brother
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
🌱🌱🌱
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince