@JustDontBugMe

I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.

You Might Also Like

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?

@thenatewolf

ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.

@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@ProdigyNelson

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@YuckyTom

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

@FatherWithTwins

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

@tomw1984

I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space