I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*mops up wine with cat*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.