I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.