I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
stop
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning