i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My husband said let鈥檚 cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Did I do this right
馃槀馃槀
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I鈥檒l call the broker tomorrow.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
pilot: we鈥檙e about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we鈥檙e gonna run into this church
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’