@Reverend_Scott

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

You Might Also Like

@AtticusFinch79

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

@copymama

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

@generaldietz

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

@marginoferror

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

@SleazySli

[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit

@ramblinma

Me: “Do that thing I like.”

Husband: *orders pizza*

@HenpeckedHal

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@MichaelGoffLA

Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.