[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
Me: “Do that thing I like.”
Husband: *orders pizza*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.