@liv_mckenzie_

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

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@ThugRaccoons

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

@Cpin42

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

@thenatewolf

BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.

@kibblesmith

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

@Chhapiness

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

@JimmerThatisAll

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

@JohnLyonTweets

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

@ClickHole

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

@bingowings14

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

@SvnSxty

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream