I don’t understand how there are abandoned castles. who has a castle and just goes “nah”

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Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.


[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea


my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time


ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours


him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same


The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.


me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??


Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true