So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up