*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I don’t understand how there are abandoned castles. who has a castle and just goes “nah”
You Might Also Like
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea
my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time
ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true