*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Phonetics
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit