I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I mean…but I did
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My dress code is business-casualty.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.