The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
LA today:
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?