I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks