Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*swipes right on my hand mirror
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Don’t make me out nice you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.