Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.