I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.