I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.