My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.