@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

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@bdbdleeroybrown

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@eff_yeah_steph

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

@patnspankme

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@soulindivision2

Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.

@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

@Bedlam_Beersie

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

@Playing_Dad

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.