In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*gets ponytail caught in elevator door
*hands phone to stranger
“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
He died doing what he loved: being alive
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead