@causticbob

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

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@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.

@I_Mee_Myself_

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…

@MamaFizzles

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

@ThaJawn

Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes

@GrandadJFreeman

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

@mdob11

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

@scorpicpanda

*gets ponytail caught in elevator door

*hands phone to stranger

“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead