Her: Prove that you care about me
Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
You Might Also Like
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.
Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home