@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

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@Darlainky

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

@AksharPathak

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

@lexiedawn

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

@SortaBad

Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

@longwall26

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.