God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
こいつ天才
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.