@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

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@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@ShootyDoody

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@StansaidAirport

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

@pattioshankable

I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”

@sarabellab123

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

@ibid78

[right after my lie detector test]
-Make sure that machine shows I’ve had plenty of the sex
“Sir that’s not what it does-
-I SAID MAKE SURE

@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.

@DrakeGatsby

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone