I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

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Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.


the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces


I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.


I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”


Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.


[right after my lie detector test]
-Make sure that machine shows I’ve had plenty of the sex
“Sir that’s not what it does-


They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.


CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?


i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone