(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.
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First rule of Water Boarding Club:
1. You will talk
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!
I like the way this kid thinks!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.