HER: Boxers or briefs?
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I don’t understand the trend of Chinese restaurants with “NO MSG!” signs.
Why would I eat somewhere that I can’t send texts?
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”