I don’t understand the trend of Chinese restaurants with “NO MSG!” signs.

Why would I eat somewhere that I can’t send texts?

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HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.


“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*


Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.


Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.


I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.


If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!


cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.


‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’


Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.


I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.


[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”