friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You Might Also Like
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.