“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.

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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.


Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.


I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.


Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.


If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.


aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out


FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys