@Parentpains

“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.

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@TheTweetOfGod

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

@BitterWaterBlue

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@mattZillaaaa

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@LizHackett

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

@SamGrittner

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

@seamussaid

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys