Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Sex so good you see dead people.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
bears
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”