I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
They also CAN sing✌️
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.