what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math