“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.

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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing


[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me


Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check


I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.


During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.


Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.


Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.


Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.


And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math