@JH_Moncrieff

“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.

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@SortaBad

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

@bonehugsnirony

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

@newLettuce

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@markhoppus

During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@ClassADude

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

@MissMalbec

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math