I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?