I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew