Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
the dark web is just a goth google.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.