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I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.


Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.


We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.


When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid


I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.



Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.


Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.