I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

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One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.


How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE


I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.


Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy


Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.


*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.


*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?