@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

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@BatmanOffDuty

One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.

@ChickenColeman

How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE

@Trudacious

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@THE_shitface

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@meghaffer

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

@Chhapiness

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?