I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
🌱🌱🌱
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today