Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
this is me
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.