I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
You Might Also Like
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit