In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.
I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
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Fact: all boots were made for walking.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”
What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.