I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.


She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.


No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.


Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?


FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor


My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.


9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..


If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.