@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

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@funnyordie

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

@thegreatnanak

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

@Book_Krazy

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

@sofarrsogud

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

@zephyrs0phie

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

@AristotlesNZ

9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..

@TheBoydP

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.