I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

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In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.


If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.


For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”


What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?


“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.


[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius


Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.