I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.


Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.


Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.


If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.


I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.