@Grommit56
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
@One_FineMess
I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
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@Grommit56
@iRowlf
Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.
@AskinWayne
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
@simoncholland
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
@KeetPotato
me: “so is this a date?”
hitchhiker: “um”
@Underchilde
*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*
@BlondAmbitionTO
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
@StillNotCool2
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
@1Happytwit
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
@nPhelendriqal
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”