@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

You Might Also Like

@Grommit56

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

@iRowlf

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.

@AskinWayne

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

@StillNotCool2

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.