@One_FineMess
I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
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@funnyordie
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
@FroggyGonnaJump
She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
@thegreatnanak
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
@Book_Krazy
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
@sofarrsogud
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
@zephyrs0phie
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
@prufrockluvsong
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
@AristotlesNZ
9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?
Yo, evolution: You missed one..
@TheBoydP
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.