Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The Others (2001)
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over