@juliussharpe

I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.

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@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

@copymama

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

@thenatewolf

One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.

@delusions_of

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@Ivsy01

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?