It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories
(My 6yo told me to tweet this)
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet