I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.
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“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?