I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”