I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless