@I_am_Lukem

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

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@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@ShoutingGoddess

‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’

@jenniferfralic

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

@1niitro

The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League

@NotThatKristi

My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”

@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@meakoopa

JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels

@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.