@I_am_Lukem

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

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@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@House_Feminist

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@Coolisiana

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.

@Marlebean

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.