I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband