(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.