You Might Also Like

@ChicksRule

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

@c12h22o11balls

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@Cheeseboy22

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

@Brenton_Rodgers

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: