Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it