“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I wanna be friends with this person
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.