The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
What even happened today?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.